Papers, Popcorn, and Pity
by Living in a fantasy
Summary: Sirius doesn't want to do his charms essay. Remus also doesn't want to do Sirius' charm essay. So begins the battle of wits, a conversation centered around popcorn tossing, transformations, and a large use of the pity card.


AN: Co written **by flybeyondreality**. Katie (fbr) and I call each other Moony (her) and Padfoot (me). Sometimes when we hang out we slip into a conversation that ends up with us mocking our characters point of view. This fanfiction started as a conversation about winter break and ended up being a debate back and forth of Sirius trying to get Remus to do his homework. So yeah, enjoy.

Papers, Popcorn, and Pity.

/…/…/…/

Sirius sighed, staring at the blank piece of parchment in front of him which was supposed to hold his charms essay. It was so cruel of his professors to give them so much homework over winter break, but, being the person that he was, Sirius had decided to rebel and leave his homework for the last minute.

Of course he had forgotten how long this particular essay was supposed to be. He had also forgotten that he and James had been having a rousing debate about the Slytherin quidditch teams newest tactics. For this reason, he had been preoccupied in class and did not know the material.

This is why, on the last day of winter break, Sirius was sitting in the Gryffindor common room trying to complete his essay. Peter had gone home for the holidays, and James had convinced Lily to help him with his charms essay with the promise that he wouldn't ask her out for a week.

This left Sirius here, in front of the fire, with only Remus reading his muggle book for company.

Wait a minute…Remus.

A small smirk fell upon Sirius' face before he wiped it clean and put the most pathetic look he could muster on his face. He turned to look at Remus, watching him for a few minutes until Remus finally let out a sigh of exasperation and looked up. "What do you want Padfoot? I'm trying to read." He made a gesture towards the book on his lap, Lord of the Rings, and Sirius briefly wondered why anyone would take on the task of reading such a long book. Banishing the thought from his mind, he cocked his head to the side slightly to begin his argument.

"Do my essay?"

Remus gave him and incredulous look before turning back to his book.

"Come on Moony, please?"

Remus didn't even look up. "You'll never learn if I keep doing your homework for you Padfoot."

Sirius pouted. "Sure I will."

Remus snorted. "What will you learn? How to catch pieces of popcorn in your mouth? No, do the work yourself." He turned a page in his book with the intention of tuning Sirius out.

Unfortunately for him, that was generally an impossible task to do when Sirius was involved. "Please do my paper?"

"I'll look it over for you when you're done."

"But then I still have to put in effort!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "You have to do it to show the professors you can write a paper for school. And no," he said, before Sirius could interrupt. "That does not include those romance stories you've written about couples at Hogwarts, and that especially does not count the one you wrote about you and me."

"That was my best one!"

"And most unrealistic."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You're such a spoilsport. But come on Moony, you know you want to write it for me. I promise I'll learn more then how to catch popcorn in my mouth, I'll listen to you as you write it and still learn the material that way."

Now sure that he would not be able to concentrate on his book any longer, Remus placed a bookmark in it and closed it with a loud snap. "I'll write your paper when you give me a legitimate use for catching popcorn in your mouth that will help you in the future, and that does not include contests."

This made Sirius pause a few moments. Remus watched him patiently, and was sure he wouldn't have a remark when Sirius turned back to him, face completely solemn.

"Catching popcorn in the future will be helpful in certain cases," Sirius began. "It will improve my reflexes. What if you horribly maim me while I'm Padfoot and leave me for dead in some cellar somewhere, and I can't move? But because of my amazing popcorn catching skills, I'll be able to catch the small droplets of water falling from a busted pipe in the ceiling that will keep me alive until you realize the horrible mistake you have made."

Remus blinked. "That's a rather interesting answer. However I have one to counter it. The only reason I would attack one of my dear friends would be if someday they wrote a paper themselves for once and they asked me to read it and it was horrible. My guilt of depriving them of a needed education would overwhelm me and the next time I transformed I would be even more dangerous than usual, therefore putting my friends in danger."

But Sirius merely shook his head at this. "That is untrue, dear friend. Remember the day before the full moon a few months ago, and you got testy with me and sprained my wrist?" Sirius felt slightly bad about saying this, because as soon as Remus had seen the pained expression on Sirius' face, he had let go and felt terribly guilty for the next week. He had assured Remus over and over that he was fine, but it had taken all week and until his wrist was perfectly fine, to convince him.

"You're stronger then you look mate. If I ever happened to do something incredibly stupid, which arguably happens quite often, and it was a full moon night and you were slightly more fearsome then usual, you could terribly maim me for life. You see? Then, as I said before these popcorn skills would come in handy, and I'll never learn them if you don't write my paper," he finished proudly.

Remus set the book down next to him, not used to Sirius coming up with clever answers, at least not when it had to do with anything other than getting out of trouble. He paused a moment until his response came. "Well, my dear friend, sadly I have to say I may 'accidentally' forget to journey to the shrieking shack in a month's time because I will be so overwhelmed with yours, Prong's, Wormtail's, and my own papers. I will just forget and then it will be too late. Now do u want me to take the chance of harming you or one of our fellow Marauders, by forcing me to do your paper?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "First off, you wouldn't forget, and even if you did, someone would come get you to take you to the shack." He ignored Remus' glare and continued on.

"But you miss the point Moony, this deal is for me and me only. There is no Prongs, and there is no Wormtail. Just you and me, and in a months time it won't matter, because the ONE, remember ONE paper will be completed. Honestly, I have a more compelling argument. You should just give in and write the paper." Sirius sent him a winning smile that would make any girl swoon.

Unfortunately, Remus was not a girl, and did not, in fact, swoon at Sirius' grin. He just stared blankly at him. "It will take loads of chocolate to get me to write this paper you speak of."

Sirius jumped up. "If chocolate is all you want, I can easily go get you some."

Remus motioned for him to sit back down. "More then you could ever hope to purchase. Anyway…

Really, I see Christmas break as a time to relax, no homework whatsoever until the last day when the little bit I have will take less than an hour or two to do... but with a paper to do, then that whole feeling will be destroyed. Now, would you want that feeling of tranquility to be taken away from your poor friend Moony, recovering from his monthly ordeal with the full moon?" Remus questioned, sending a pathetic look at his good friend.

Sirius wasn't sure what to say to this for a moment. Remus was playing the pity card, but he could do that as well. "I also agree with your point about relaxing over break, but you see, despite your monthly problem you could still have a wonderful Christmas. How can my Christmas ever, truly be perfect, without my family loving me?" he asked, sending his own pathetic look back at Remus.

Remus gave him a hard look. "Sod off, you don't care about that." He leaned back and reached for his book, intent on ending the discussion. In a final desperate attempt, Sirius leaped onto the couch next to Remus and stood tall. "Moony!" he yelled, causing the entire common room to turn and look at him. "I love you! I shall forever devote my life to you!"

Remus smiled warmly at him. "Aw thanks. I love you too." There was a long silence of anticipation. "But that does not mean I'll write your paper."

Falling to his knees, Sirius dramatically looked around the common room, addressing them now. "I would never dream of requesting something like that! All I was doing was proclaiming my love for him to the world, for all of you!" He turned back to Remus. "And why not?" he added, slightly ruining the affect of his speech. Despite this, he still had the sympathetic eyes of the girls in the common room.

"I only know you too well. For you to be that open means you must want something...most likely homework."

But now Sirius was on a roll with the audience he had captured. "I've been open before! I never wanted anything when I was open about my hatred for my parents or Minnie's transfiguration assignments!" McGonagall's nickname caused a few snickers to erupt, but Sirius continued on without hesitation.

"So see? It's not always about wanting something...like homework," he hinted.

He added one more pathetic look to the onlookers and the audience was sold, "aws" ringing throughout the common room. Remus' resolve was wavering and Sirius' puppy-dog eyes were enough to finish the job. "I'll help you okay?" he finally relented. When Remus said he would help, this meant he would do the majority of the work.

Sirius grinned and leaped on him, catching the small boy in a bone-crushing hug. The common room began to applaud. Sirius just grinned into Remus' neck.

Remus sighed to himself and wondered how Sirius always managed to convince him to do something stupid or something he didn't agree with.

_Damn those puppy-dog eyes._

/…/…/…/…/

AN: And that's it! I wrote the descriptions and all that, but all of the dialogue from Remus was written by my friend, flybeyondreality. Yay!

Sadly Katie does not give in as easy as Remus and still doesn't want to do my paper haha. I wouldn't really let her do my five page paper, but her help is always appreciated, just like last year with all those biology worksheets (hint hint Katie, I know you're reading this)

Hope you enjoyed, and please review to tell me what was good and what I ca improve on! 


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